Hello readers! I have decided to create this blog to tell my story, and perhaps help others along the way.
I’ve never been particularly fond of introductions, nor very good at them. I try to avoid the quite boring “Hello, my name is…” Maybe it’s a better idea to start by explaining my choice for the name of this blog, “The One Square Peg”.
I am a Millennial who grew up mostly in the 80s and 90s, and part of the 2000s. My childhood, as far as I knew, was pretty similar to what you’d expect of an average middle class American child. I went to a public school. I had some friends. I was involved in some extra curricular activities. I had my favorite shows and toys and hobbies, like any other kid. Except, there was something different about me. I always felt it, but I was never able to express it or put it into words. I thought I acted like a normal kid, and did what other normal kids do. But no matter how hard I tried and how kind I was to others, or how fun I tried to be, I never truly fit in. I wore the same style clothes. I listened to the same types of music. I watched the same TV shows. I played the same games, and I ate the same foods. But it didn’t matter. So as cliche as it is to say, I was always the square peg in the round hole. This world is designed for round pegs. All the pegs around me seemed to fit in just fine. No matter how much I tried, I was the oddball. I was the one square peg that always had trouble fitting in.
I have come to realize in recent years, that I am and always have been, neurodivergent. My name is Cassie, and I am here to tell my story about how I’ve spent my entire life navigating through a neurotypically designed world. I will talk about the struggles I’ve had and the hardships I’ve been through, and the obstacles I’ve had to overcome, having no diagnosis and no help. When you look like all the other humans on the outside, they all expect you to be just like them, and when you’re not, they often do not understand why, and they usually don’t know what to do with you. So you are left on your own to figure out life on this planet, as if you’re an alien in a human suit. I’m also hoping that I may reach some readers who can relate to my stories and might find them helpful or comforting.
Today we understand a lot more about neurodivergency and we understand the autism spectrum to be just that, a SPECTRUM. The stereotypes of an autistic child have always checked certain boxes. For example, if a child is non-verbal, or if they flap their hands, or they bang their head against the wall. Yes, some autistic people do in fact do these things. But not all of them. Human beings are not meant to be put in boxes. We are all unique and different from one another and we are not born with instruction manuals. They used to use the term “Asperger’s Syndrome”, and sometimes it is still used by people in the autism community. But it is pretty much known as an outdated term now, and is no longer used to diagnose people. Now we use levels to determine where someone is on the spectrum. Level one is sometimes referred to as “high functioning”. However that term is used less now as well. A better way to describe a level one autistic person is by saying “low needs”. Level two would be perhaps moderate needs, and level three would be high needs. Usually level three people tend to be non-verbal, or have limited words. Again, it’s also preference with a lot of people, which terminology they prefer to use. I write this with that in mind and respect toward anyone reading this. I try my best to always choose my words carefully as to not offend anyone. That is never my intention.
Back when I was a child, and even before I was born, the research done on autism was done mostly, if not all, on boys. Therefore girls often flew under the radar. We now know that autism appears differently in girls. Also girls tend to “mask” a lot more, therefore it’s easy to miss the signs. I personally learned to talk pretty early. My mother told me I spoke in full sentences to her at just thirteen months old. As far as I know, I hit all my milestones on time. I learned to walk a bit late, but another thing about me, that I did not know at the time, is I was born with a gene that causes anxiety and depression in people. It’s a chemical imbalance in the brain, and I’ve lived with it my entire life. So I guess I was a bit apprehensive about walking on my own. I remember having this little plastic lion, that was a push toy. It had four wheels, a lions face and a handle on the back. I used to feel comfortable walking with my lion when I was first starting out. I guess that’s the point of those toddler toys anyway. I might’ve used mine a little longer than other kids. But I learned to write and draw and eventually read and all those types of things within a reasonable time, that I guess did not set off any red flags with the adults in my life. I will dive deeper into specifics about my childhood in later posts. But for now I will just say that I lived through my entire childhood and most of my adulthood, up until about three years ago, with no intervention, no help, no real diagnosis, and no understanding as to why I was the way I was.
Lastly, for this introductory post, I will add that it tends to be quite difficult to test for and get a diagnosis for autism as an adult. Many places only test children. And IF you do find a place that does adult testing, it often is not covered under insurance and can be expensive. I am fairly new to this part of my journey, and as I find out more information I will post it here and hopefully it may help someone out. But I will end it here for now. I will try to post regularly, hopefully weekly, and I do hope that people will find it interesting. I thank you for reading, and I wish you a pleasant week. Stay well everybody.